Skip to main content

Five Adoption Barriers You Can Overcome

A couple years ago, as I returned home from a business trip visiting farms in Wisconsin, I masterfully multi-tasked by driving and talking on the phone. I bet you've tried it before, too. It's a particularly sensible practice on a two-lane highway that feeds into a busy airport.

It's even smarter when you are distracted by the topic of the conversation, which in this case happened to be: Are you sure you're ready to adopt a baby? Julie wasn't posing the question. Our adoption agency was to blame.

"How dare they!" you might be thinking. "An upstanding and principled family such as the House of Birt must never be brought low by a double-crossing adoption agency. Why, I'd give them my own child if the state would allow it. And if I didn't need them to care for me in my infirm years!"

Well, dear friend, I have to challenge you -- and I'll do so politely because you said so many nice things about my family -- because this is actually your agency's job. And whether you plan to adopt through an agency or a fertility clinic, you should plan to ask yourself the same questions even if the person on the other side of the table doesn't.

Because at the very root of your dilemma is the fact that there are five reasons you will never adopt. Unless, that is, you can over come them. The five reasons that can prevent forward progress are:

  • You aren't spiritually ready. Let's not be metaphysical. Let's be real: Adoption isn't an ordinary thing to do, and it changes your life literally forever. If you and your spouse aren't convicted in your souls that it's something you need to be doing personally, there are many other ways you can support families without moving forward yourself. 
  • You aren't mentally ready. Surprise: Children push buttons. Even bigger surprise: Children don't stop pushing buttons when you're mentally exhausted. If the thought of enduring potentially years of paperwork, phone calls and missed opportunities to connect with a placing family strikes you as hard to bear, it might be best to wait.
  • You aren't emotionally ready. Particularly for couples facing infertility, and really for all couples who care about family and having babies, this is an emotional process. There's no way around it. You will probably question a lot of the things you believe to be true about your own identity, why we're actually here, and where we're going. If the idea of turning over all of the rocks of your personality to discover the rough and unvarnished edges scares you to death, you should probably spare yourself the pain ahead.
  • You aren't physically ready. I'm not a scientist, but my wife (who is a scientist -- disclaimer: not a medical doctor | follow-up disclaimer: Julie asks me to make that part clear) tells me that some women are more able than others to carry a baby to term. That said, doctors are able to do incredible things. Consult with your physician. If you learn you are unable to carry a baby, we live at an amazing time when families are built through domestic and international adoption, fostering, and more. There is abundant hope, but it might not come in the form of embryo adoption.
  • You aren't financially ready. Adoption doesn't have to swallow your savings whole, but it will absolutely require thousands of dollars, potentially even tens of thousands. Embryo adoption is among the lowest-cost forms of adoption -- assuming, that is, that your pre-pregnancy treatments go smoothly and that one or more of your embryos survives the thaw and successfully implants and develops without complications. There are many, many risks as with any medical process. If the thought of costs quickly stacking up is worrisome, that's understandable. But it might be best to consider other options for your family.
None of this is intended to discourage your or make your path harder. It's simply to say that you should consider the five points I've listed as you're preparing to take the next step. If you are confident that you can meet the challenge each area presents, your opportunities for success and a baby at the end of the process are much higher, though never guaranteed. 

But then again, precious few things are guaranteed. That doesn't mean you shouldn't give it everything you've got. I say go for it.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Sad Truth About Lost Family Time

Today as I drove to pick up Titus from Safety Camp, I noticed a funeral procession headed toward my car. I pulled over to the side of the road as had the other drivers around me out of respect for this family that had lost a beloved member. Life has a way of sobering us up to the reality that we are only here for a short time. Everyone's allocation is different and unpredictable. In recent months, with a fourth baby and a regularly evolving career, I have caught myself getting so caught up in checking boxes off my to-do list and ensuring everyone's needs are met -- including my own selfish desire for more, better, faster -- that I lose track of the moment. My children will only be little once. My laundry will most assuredly outlast me and probably my grandchildren. I have started asking myself a question when I am at home with my family. It haunts me, and that is why I ask it. I fear too few of us do it. The question is this: If this is the last time I am with the p
2 comments
Read more

'A Link Between Angels And Men'

I ran across a quote today that I think is particularly true and that parents know better than anyone: “A babe in the house is a well-spring of pleasure, a messenger of peace and love, a resting place for innocence on earth, a link between angels and men.” That observation comes from the English writer Martin Farquhar Tupper , who lived from 1810 to 1889 . How is it that those words still resonate nearly 130 years after his death? Perhaps it is because they capture the joy of a newborn. Few sights are as innocent as a baby fast asleep, a hand across the chest, tiny fingers spread out and still. Indeed, it is this restful and unimpeded state so many adults seek and so few seem to find. Another explanation for the power of the passage is this: We have become so accustomed to the violence and suffering in our world that we long for the opposite state of being. It is a reality accessible only in our imaginations--and in the lives of our children. No wonder we seek to give them
2 comments
Read more

The Hardest Thing About Parenting Is...

...Realizing you could have been kinder with your child. Or more empathetic. Or more affectionate. Or a better example, role model or spiritual anchor. Or less glued to technology that sucks away attention. Or far less selfish. The list could go on and on. The point is this: What are you doing now because of what you learned then? How are you bundling the raw, emotional energy -- of screwing up and veering off your vision for your family -- and converting it to action steps that get you back on track? A few suggestions: If you aren't leaning on your spouse, or a close circle of friends, or another trusted adviser, start leaning. Parenting is a lonely art without the wisdom of people who care about you and your family. Forget what everyone tells you. There are no parenting experts, only parenting experimenters operating on and recycling fundamental ideas that have been around for generations. Science and data are useful guideposts, but they can't replace th
2 comments
Read more