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Five Adoption Barriers You Can Overcome

A couple years ago, as I returned home from a business trip visiting farms in Wisconsin, I masterfully multi-tasked by driving and talking on the phone. I bet you've tried it before, too. It's a particularly sensible practice on a two-lane highway that feeds into a busy airport.

It's even smarter when you are distracted by the topic of the conversation, which in this case happened to be: Are you sure you're ready to adopt a baby? Julie wasn't posing the question. Our adoption agency was to blame.

"How dare they!" you might be thinking. "An upstanding and principled family such as the House of Birt must never be brought low by a double-crossing adoption agency. Why, I'd give them my own child if the state would allow it. And if I didn't need them to care for me in my infirm years!"

Well, dear friend, I have to challenge you -- and I'll do so politely because you said so many nice things about my family -- because this is actually your agency's job. And whether you plan to adopt through an agency or a fertility clinic, you should plan to ask yourself the same questions even if the person on the other side of the table doesn't.

Because at the very root of your dilemma is the fact that there are five reasons you will never adopt. Unless, that is, you can over come them. The five reasons that can prevent forward progress are:

  • You aren't spiritually ready. Let's not be metaphysical. Let's be real: Adoption isn't an ordinary thing to do, and it changes your life literally forever. If you and your spouse aren't convicted in your souls that it's something you need to be doing personally, there are many other ways you can support families without moving forward yourself. 
  • You aren't mentally ready. Surprise: Children push buttons. Even bigger surprise: Children don't stop pushing buttons when you're mentally exhausted. If the thought of enduring potentially years of paperwork, phone calls and missed opportunities to connect with a placing family strikes you as hard to bear, it might be best to wait.
  • You aren't emotionally ready. Particularly for couples facing infertility, and really for all couples who care about family and having babies, this is an emotional process. There's no way around it. You will probably question a lot of the things you believe to be true about your own identity, why we're actually here, and where we're going. If the idea of turning over all of the rocks of your personality to discover the rough and unvarnished edges scares you to death, you should probably spare yourself the pain ahead.
  • You aren't physically ready. I'm not a scientist, but my wife (who is a scientist -- disclaimer: not a medical doctor | follow-up disclaimer: Julie asks me to make that part clear) tells me that some women are more able than others to carry a baby to term. That said, doctors are able to do incredible things. Consult with your physician. If you learn you are unable to carry a baby, we live at an amazing time when families are built through domestic and international adoption, fostering, and more. There is abundant hope, but it might not come in the form of embryo adoption.
  • You aren't financially ready. Adoption doesn't have to swallow your savings whole, but it will absolutely require thousands of dollars, potentially even tens of thousands. Embryo adoption is among the lowest-cost forms of adoption -- assuming, that is, that your pre-pregnancy treatments go smoothly and that one or more of your embryos survives the thaw and successfully implants and develops without complications. There are many, many risks as with any medical process. If the thought of costs quickly stacking up is worrisome, that's understandable. But it might be best to consider other options for your family.
None of this is intended to discourage your or make your path harder. It's simply to say that you should consider the five points I've listed as you're preparing to take the next step. If you are confident that you can meet the challenge each area presents, your opportunities for success and a baby at the end of the process are much higher, though never guaranteed. 

But then again, precious few things are guaranteed. That doesn't mean you shouldn't give it everything you've got. I say go for it.

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